Stylish Appraisals of the World’s Great Travelers

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Stylish Appraisals of the World’s Great Travelers
We looked to The Bumbys, an anonymous duo who makes shockingly adept judgements of character, to assess the likes of travelers like Lewis and Clark, Captain Kirk, and Odysseus. Here are their fair and honest appraisals.
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    Lewis & Clark
    Guys, if you two were a couple of intrepid frat bros on a backpacking adventure, I'd easily recognize your whole deal. Meriwether, you're a bit more of a fancy fellow with some not-so-secret refined tastes, blowing your daily allowance on foie gras. Ol' Billy C, you're more of a bruiser with a slight embarrassing tendency towards malapropisms of the Mike Tyson varietal (wait dude, that does NOT mean what you think it does). But, who can blame you? We didn't all get fancy tutors like Meriwether over here, now did we? Big Bill, you're the muscle during interactions in far-away lands, while M Dawg is more of the diplomat, smoothing the way with the natives. You both cut quite a figure wherever you go, and your Instagram'ing actually makes me want to dig deeper in my own travels. Sure, the Congo can be scary. But, your ace travel blogging made me realize the reward of undiscovered worlds is worth the danger.

    overall rating - 9.0
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    Captain James Tiberius Kirk
    Pfft, you know you're ill as hell, Captain Kirk. I don't have to tell you. In fact, it's that overblown sense of self-confidence that has a tendency to get you and your crew in trouble out there in the far reaches of space. You guys are creepin' up on a weird looking planet and Sulu's all, "I think we should leave this one alone, Captain" and Uhura's all, "I agree!" And then you get that cocky grin on your face and go, "Chekov... let's get a closer look." Spock's shaking his head like, "I can't even," but you have the heart of a true explorer and that sometimes that means ignoring everything but your gut. 

    overall rating - 9.3
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    Marco Polo
    Marco, you’re the kind of guy who would show up for a casual pool party decked out in a silk kimono, or maybe even a kaftan. At the Mediterranean style lunch later on, you’d probably gesture to the pasta and ask the fetching lady next to you if she fancies the dish. When said guest, mid-noodle slurp, awkwardly nods in approval, you’d smugly say, “You’re welcome.” 

    She’d then give a look to her friend across the table that’d read, “Who the &#%$ is this guy?”

    Later, as you’re gallantly stroll poolside, you’d find children chasing each other under water, chanting your name. Elated, you’d crouch down to watch the game, only to get drenched by some rowdy kid splashing. Your lunch mate from before would hand you a towel, and slyly remark, “No, You’re welcome.”

    Overall rating: 9.3
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    Amelia Earhart
    Amelia, you’re the quintessential prototype for the active woman of today. Before there were Lululemon stretch pants, you were zipping around the nation in streamlined, wrinkle-proof garb.  Your no fuss, cropped hairdo and tomboy aesthetic would be emulated by so many in years to come. And, thank goodness you popped in and out of those tiny, cramped planes. You realized that you can’t muck around in frilly nonsense if you’re flying across the Atlantic.  I hope the time/space continuum you’re still coasting through is a comfy one.

    Overall rating: 9.7
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    Lemuel Gulliver
    Lemeul, you look a little like that well trod, but oh-so-salty, uncle who regales everyone with his travel tales in a curiously gruff manner.

    “Yeah, I went to the West Indies, what the crap do ya wanna know about it?”

    You’d put on a whole multi-media display of the first leg of your trip, somehow seeming annoyed to have to remark on each and every picture slide.
    Um, Uncle Lemuel, we didn’t ask for the power point presentation. You just launched into it and told us that bathroom breaks during were NOT ALLOWED.
    Overall rating: 9.1
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    Odysseus, you’re that smooth talking, diplomatic guy who can stroll into any bar (or bathhouse) and stop a scuffle from ensuing. Achilles (that hot head) would be all revved up (one too many nights out with Dionysus getting blitzed). Maybe there were some unwanted Trojan soldiers hanging out, and Achilles wanted to rough ‘em up. But, you’re all: “Nah Dude. Remember how we have to see a man about a Horse later?” And, Achilles would nod, crack his neck, pat his “Helen Forever” tattoo, and slowly ease off back to his table. Crisis averted. 

    Overall rating: 9.2
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